speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
