weddingsv make me drug and hornr
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
