Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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