We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
