i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Bring me that man meat
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
