I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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