The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
