Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
