She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
