I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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