JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize