hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
