Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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