I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
