Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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