You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
