that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
