I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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