the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
