I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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