there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
