I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
