Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
