Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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