i may or may not be watching the land before time
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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