i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
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