Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
