respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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