cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
