if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
