remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
