Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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