I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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