I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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