Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
