fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
worst night to have a conscience
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
