please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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