he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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