the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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