When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
