They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
