and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
