Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
