Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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