dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
