I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It's just like the Real World with babies
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
