so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Text me some of your sweat
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
