So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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