i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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