found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
