Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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