At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
