I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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