im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
