guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize