Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
