I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
