i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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