Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
